Dear Dr. Burritosmell,

While you've the age and appearance necessary to easily be confused for one of my family members, I fear that our time together is quickly coming to an end. Your antiquated tools and stubborn ways are keeping me from getting what I feel is proper medical attention. You may have some questions, so please allow me to elaborate.

I told you I had concerns about the accuracy of my blood pressure tests. I told you that in the past I was told I have high blood pressure; in face, it was so high once that the nurse asked me if I was feeling woozy or if I needed water. You told me today I have normal high blood pressure, when the sleep study technician, not even a fully licensed doctor, told me it was 159/108. You finally gave me medication after copious nagging, but you told me it was weak stuff I could easily get without a prescription.

I also told you I had concerns about the accuracy of your old, rickety kitchen scale. I'm sure those old scales, with the bar that spins around the scale the more the scale is depressed, work just fine for those within a certain weight range, but for us bigger people we need more heavy duty, modern tools. When my doctor before you tells me the digital scale reads 479 lbs then not two weeks later yours reads 446 lbs, I hope you can understand my concern. When the digital scale at the sleep study center says I'm 483 lbs and you tell me two weeks later that I'm 429 lbs and hey congratulations on losing 17 pounds I can't help but be skeptical. My diet hasn't changed, I haven't been exercising, and I was on the juices for all of 4 days.

This last topic's a bit more abstract than the first two but still pretty important. You're... like, an old Filipino curmudgeon. You're never particularly happy about anything, you're not very personable and you've a way with words that's particularly grating. Like when you say "What's wrong with you", "Why are you here" or "Well, if you keep using different scales of course you're going to get different results", I can't help but feel a little put off. When I'm in the middle of the most important medical emergency in my life and you say "Okay, I'll schedule to see you again in three months" it kinda seems like you're not as interested in this as I am.

Anyway, I'd say something like "it's not you, it's me", but I've always been taught that lying is bad. I wish you the best of luck with your business in the future. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go check to see if switching doctors affects my weight-loss-surgery procedure at all.